They Say It's Wonderful

Not long after my last post, I reconnected with someone I've been attracted to for about nine years. At the time I initially found myself attracted to him, I had no idea he was someone I'd known when I was a teenager, and he'd tormented me regularly at that time (which I kind of find charming now that he's clearly not the meany I figured him to be). We didn't recognize one another as older people. I guess that's a good thing. It afforded us the shock and surprise necessary for a long overdo apology from him and a pathway to friendship.

So here we are, nine years later, 45 days into the official beginning of the romantic relationship that sprang from our most recent reconnection (I only know that because I have a snazzy counter for us on my MySpace) and I am starting to wonder... is it me or shouldn't this be the fun part?

In all fairness, the less-than-funness starts with the fact that we are on opposite coasts (he in North Carolina, I in California). Once he came out and visited, and we knew it wasn't our imagination that we were in love with each other, it just got harder for us to be apart. But where we once communicated easily, now we seem to barely be able to understand one another and struggle regularly.

I keep thinking, "Shit, this should be the time when we're happy, when everything's great, not the time for endless negotiations of whose baggage is more heavy and needs to be carried by both of us, as a couple. We shouldn't be arguing over where to be together, but just be happy that we found someone we want to be with." But it's just not that easy and the reason I wonder if it's me, is because I find myself unable to deal with the strife. I find myself wanting to hide away, cut myself off from more of it, even if it means losing someone I truly love.

See, I'm not prepared to deal with the fact that there are so many girls out there who are unable to be respectful of a relationship. I'm lacking the capacity to understand why I tell someone nothing but the truth and am still not trusted. I don't seem to be able to grasp the concept of why asking questions equates accusations. And I get the idea that maybe it's because I've been really choosy (with one glaring exception) of who I get this close to and haven't had the requisite practice. Maybe I just don't get how relationships work. Maybe they're supposed to be chock-o-block with drama, endless arguments about indiscreet flirtations from others and whose feelings are more important than the others' at any given time.

Maybe it's just that we're not right for one another. But I don't want to think that and even less believe it. I just think that alot of painful experiences have led us to this dischord. Both of us want so badly to overcome it, but we can't seem to approach it from the same direction. One wants resolution the other wants to win at all costs and at the end of the day we want to love all the stuff about each other that made us fall in the first place and be able to casually ignore the rest so that we can just have peace. It just doesn't work that way, I guess.

All I can say is that we're not bad people. We're not mean people. We want to work on it and I think that's a good thing... for now. We love each other. We want each other. I just hope that's enough to overcome all this bullshit. Hope and pray, I do.

"They say that falling in love is wonderful It's wonderful, so they say.
And with a moon up above it's wonderful It's wonderful, so they tell me.
I can't recall who said it
I know I never read it
I only know that falling in love is grand
And the thing that's known as romance
Is wonderful in every way... So they say "