A Day of Achey Breaky

Today I decided to let Fountains of Wayne keep me company while sorting through the seemingly never-ending mountain of Holiday purchase orders. I have a lot of profoundly happy memories associated with FOW. It doesn't hurt that their songs are largely bouncy, funny, soothing and pleasant as it makes them easy to place into the soundtrack of practically anything.

Sadly, thanks to another SUPRISE, YOU'RE NOT DONE MOURNING box from San Jose, I am in a place of feeling loss, so as I scroll through my options of what to listen to on my iPod, I keep stumbling upon music connected to disappointment and loss. So, as fun as FOW is (and honey, they are!), today they're reminding me of a friend that found them through me... a friend that I lost not long after.

Donaco and I used to be inseperable. When we were friends, nary a day went by that we didn't call one another at least twice and more often than not one of us made the other laugh. We vacationed together, we dined together, we collaborated, we consoled one another, we put on a show together then something snapped. To this day I don't know what it was. Maybe it was just... we were heading in different directions. Maybe it was that one of us was hurting, pissing off or generally vexing the other all along and it took five years to get up the gumption to say so (even if it was at the worst possible moment). But what once was a supportive, uplifting, mutually beneficial vibe became one of a cranky married couple. Neither one of us felt we were at fault. I suspect, it's still true today. It doesn't matter. Sometimes we say things to one another that can't get taken back, begin dynamics with someone that we can't change and it all has to come to an end.

As I listen to Mexican Wine, vivid memories of Donaco and I speeding home from one of our many adventures in Las Vegas are tripping through my mind. I miss that time of our friendship. I miss the time when we behaved like our friendship was something valuable and seemed never-ending. I try, as much as possible, to think of my lost friend fondly and always hope he's happy and well. I can only hope he does the same. Based on what began our end... I highly doubt it.

Guilty Pleasures

I'm a foodie. Ain't no secret there. More often than not I fantasize about blowing up every fast food franchise known to man and, like so much Harold Hill, ushering the masses back to a world of freshly prepared foods, bursting with deliciousness.

That said, like all foodies (and thanks to Anthony Bourdain having done admitted as much before me), we all have guilty pleasures that fly in the face of our persnickety need for culinary excellence. Today, I had a couple slices of one of mine...

Round Table Pizza's Hawaiian Pizza. I don't remember when I started liking this monstrosity, don't know why I would have even tried it (since the concept of pineapple and ham pizza still revolts me intellectually), but somehow it snuck it's way into my gaping yaw and became one of my favorite indulgences.

A liiiiiiiittle on the undercooked side today, but whatever. It still hit the spot.

What's culinary guilty pleasure?

Coming back into focus

It's been a while since I've written, I know. To say that I've had bigger fish to fry would be an understatement. Mourning the loss of a beloved Aunt, my mother and any semblance of hope I once had that my family might regain its' composure was rough. Dealing with some rather upsetting health issues didn't help much. Moving on past a short but gravely disappointing romance and doing all those things while learning not one, but two new jobs (since my new job changed into something far more daunting than the first), has certainly pulled a bit of focus. Also, to be frank, I didn't want the dark cloud of sadness and resentment and anger to hover so ominously any more. You and I, my friends and readers, have more interesting things to discuss than mean people.

So, I'm not gone, not lost and am doing some writing. Mostly, that writing energy is being spent on a book I have wanted to write for over a decade. I have had a lot of support about doing it so, I certainly don't want that support to be wasted.

Thank you, to the folks who have written and asked what's going on. It's always good to hear from you! In many respects I am better than I have been for three years. It is, however, going to take some time to repair the damage those years did to my life.

Expect more here, soon.

Back in Lawyerland Again

I used to work with attorneys, so it's not as though I am not used to legal business. But now that I'm finding myself dealing with them for personal reasons, it's a whole different ballgame. There are times when you just have to be glad that some lawyers are ruthless. Love 'em or hate 'em, sometimes, you need 'em and need 'em I do.

I never imagined, in my wildest dreams that I would need legal representation for the reason I do now. It's sad, it's disgusting but it's unfortunately reality. I have been bullied, I have been abused and now I am being robbed. Rolling over is not an option. Talking didn't help, so what else would be next? I will exhaust every reasonable and legal avenue possible before I give up that which is being taken from me.

Who knows? I may not have a case. They may have done such a good job of rationalizing their actions, such a good job of manipulating their situation, that I may get nothing. Then again, I may (considering the obvious duplicitous dealings of those involved, who stood to gain so much from those dealings). All I can say is, I wish I didn't have to do any of this. But my hand has been forced and so it's off to Lawyerland I go. Thank God my new job comes with a low-cost legal counsel benefit! Since I'm being screwed out of so much, I'm going to need every break I can get!

I'm fortunate to have such good friends, who love and support me and have encouraged me to fight for what is mine. I would have done it either way, but they give me the strength I need for a battle I never wanted, and never expected to have to fight.

I See You

Like a lot of people, I have trackers on my blogs to see who is coming to visit, how often, where they linked off of, where they are… all kinds of information. I know when my MySpace friends are checking my blogs, when my close friends are, when someone landed on my page through a Google search or came through my Twitter. So I know that one particular household is checking my blogs every single day, sometimes twice a day or more and I'm not sure what to say to this person. So I guess all I can say is that I have not stopped being accessible via the phone. I have spoken to you whenever you called. If there's something you want to know about me, call because it looks as though you either don't think you can or you are looking for ammunition against me. Maybe there's some other reason you come here that I can't imagine, but considering how things have been lately, those are the only two I can come up with.

So if you're waiting for me to put out some shitty blog about you, don't. I won't. If you're hoping I'll say something about being open to talking, I always have been with the exception of a couple days I requested you leave me alone (and I wouldn't have asked for that if you had been open to talking to ME at the time). If you're looking for validation for treating me so badly, you won't find it here. There is no justification for it. Whatever your agenda is, this is kind of creeping me out, so I wish you would stop this. But I know I can't stop you so, I just thought you should know all of this so you can choose to spend your time more constructively.

Letter to 2008

Dear 2008,

I had hoped that by asking nicely enough, you would be kind and oblige me with a good year, thus mending our torn relationship and sending us on the road to peace.  But nooooooo.  You had to have everything your way, didn't you?  You've managed to hit me in virtually every sore spot imaginable, 2008.  I'm at a loss as to understand how I am still standing after such an onslaught but, HA!  IN YOUR FACE!  I am!  

Come on now, let it go.  Whatever grudge you've got against me, just let it the hell go already, because I'm not going to give up.  You're going to have to pray a bus hits me and kills me, because you're not taking me down.  Not ever. So enough money bullshit, enough death and illness, enough loss, enough struggle, enough, enough, ENOUGH!

Truly,

Sunny

They Say It's Wonderful

Not long after my last post, I reconnected with someone I've been attracted to for about nine years. At the time I initially found myself attracted to him, I had no idea he was someone I'd known when I was a teenager, and he'd tormented me regularly at that time (which I kind of find charming now that he's clearly not the meany I figured him to be). We didn't recognize one another as older people. I guess that's a good thing. It afforded us the shock and surprise necessary for a long overdo apology from him and a pathway to friendship.

So here we are, nine years later, 45 days into the official beginning of the romantic relationship that sprang from our most recent reconnection (I only know that because I have a snazzy counter for us on my MySpace) and I am starting to wonder... is it me or shouldn't this be the fun part?

In all fairness, the less-than-funness starts with the fact that we are on opposite coasts (he in North Carolina, I in California). Once he came out and visited, and we knew it wasn't our imagination that we were in love with each other, it just got harder for us to be apart. But where we once communicated easily, now we seem to barely be able to understand one another and struggle regularly.

I keep thinking, "Shit, this should be the time when we're happy, when everything's great, not the time for endless negotiations of whose baggage is more heavy and needs to be carried by both of us, as a couple. We shouldn't be arguing over where to be together, but just be happy that we found someone we want to be with." But it's just not that easy and the reason I wonder if it's me, is because I find myself unable to deal with the strife. I find myself wanting to hide away, cut myself off from more of it, even if it means losing someone I truly love.

See, I'm not prepared to deal with the fact that there are so many girls out there who are unable to be respectful of a relationship. I'm lacking the capacity to understand why I tell someone nothing but the truth and am still not trusted. I don't seem to be able to grasp the concept of why asking questions equates accusations. And I get the idea that maybe it's because I've been really choosy (with one glaring exception) of who I get this close to and haven't had the requisite practice. Maybe I just don't get how relationships work. Maybe they're supposed to be chock-o-block with drama, endless arguments about indiscreet flirtations from others and whose feelings are more important than the others' at any given time.

Maybe it's just that we're not right for one another. But I don't want to think that and even less believe it. I just think that alot of painful experiences have led us to this dischord. Both of us want so badly to overcome it, but we can't seem to approach it from the same direction. One wants resolution the other wants to win at all costs and at the end of the day we want to love all the stuff about each other that made us fall in the first place and be able to casually ignore the rest so that we can just have peace. It just doesn't work that way, I guess.

All I can say is that we're not bad people. We're not mean people. We want to work on it and I think that's a good thing... for now. We love each other. We want each other. I just hope that's enough to overcome all this bullshit. Hope and pray, I do.

"They say that falling in love is wonderful It's wonderful, so they say.
And with a moon up above it's wonderful It's wonderful, so they tell me.
I can't recall who said it
I know I never read it
I only know that falling in love is grand
And the thing that's known as romance
Is wonderful in every way... So they say "