Once upon a time, I wasn't a big fan of the Clint Eastwood westerns. Perhaps it was because I didn't really understand them when I was younger and mistakenly preferred more sensitive types in my late teens and early twenties. Whatever the case, I sure as hell didn't see what everyone else was all keyed up about when it came to these films (although admittedly, always appreciated the rich and interesting cinematography).
So not long ago, realizing how my opinions and tastes and preferences have changed over the years, I decided to put High Plains Drifter in my Netflix queue and see what all the fuss was about.
I'm not going to tell you that on some level I wasn't just a bit alarmed at how Eastwood's character "the stranger" managed to kill off three men and rape a woman inside of the first fifteen minutes of the film. And I'm not even going to get into the freakish absurdity that the woman he raped (a firecracker named Callie) alternately enjoyed being raped and tried to kill him for it. I get the subtext they were going for in a big way. I don't agree on principle, but I get it.
I love the idea of a mysterious man who doesn't have to explain himself to anyone. Who takes what he wants, does what he wishes, and shows no remorse or hesistation about either. Again, I love the idea. But if I ran across such a man in real life, I would find him repugnant, no matter how attractive. God knows, I've run across plenty of assholes close enough to know. So I think it's great that the women in the film aren't just taken by him. They hate him for it. Amazing.
There's a lot of funny shit in this movie, too. I laughed out loud. And although I used to think Clint was a bit grizzly in this era of his career, if I were going to see these films in the theater now... he would be to me, what Christian Bale and Brad Pitt are to others.
I am officially converted... time to go update my Netflix queue, fix some drinks, light some candles and have some quiet time with Clint so I can love him and hate him without all the bullshit of real life. Turns out I have a fantasy life after all.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Note to the IRS
Dear IRS,
I know you and I have not been on good terms in the past. We've disagreed and hurt one another. But hopefully you and I have overcome our differences and patched up the gaping holes in our once taciturn relationship.
That said, I would like to ask you to please, please, please send my refund and stimulus check now. Your "Where's My Refund" site doesn't seem to recognize that I ever even sent my return. That worries me... a lot. I promise, I sent in my return on the 15th.
So please... can I have my money? I would super duper appreciate it.
Your pal,
Sunny
I know you and I have not been on good terms in the past. We've disagreed and hurt one another. But hopefully you and I have overcome our differences and patched up the gaping holes in our once taciturn relationship.
That said, I would like to ask you to please, please, please send my refund and stimulus check now. Your "Where's My Refund" site doesn't seem to recognize that I ever even sent my return. That worries me... a lot. I promise, I sent in my return on the 15th.
So please... can I have my money? I would super duper appreciate it.
Your pal,
Sunny
Monday, April 21, 2008
Letter to my Friends
Dear Friends,
You must surely believe, by now, that I am the hardest person to help... like... ever. You'd probably like to elevate me sometimes, without having to dip into your finances (because let's face it, it's not easy for me to pay money back and who the hell has extra money lying around anyhow), and find that words just never seem to be enough. Why? Because I've probably already hit upon the suggestion you are about to put forth during one of my now-legendary over-thinking sessions, and will only infuriate you by having a perfectly rational reason / answer as to why that idea won't or might not work.
I don't blame you at all for not even asserting an idea when you have them. I'd be furious, too. Really! I would! This is the main reason why, despite countless suggestions that I do so, I could never be a therapist.
The thing is, and I really want you all to understand this with complete and utter clarity... I do listen. I may have a response and one that suggests your idea won't work. So what? I will still listen to you. And sometimes, when we talk things out, I hear something new, hit on something different because you think just differently enough from me to have worded your thought in such a way that presents things in a whole new light. I may also not always get, right away, where you were headed because I'm scared A LOT lately and it's hard to hear over the din of terror on my head. The "whatamIgonnado?!?!?!?" that plays on an endless loop in my over-crowded brain.
But late at night, or driving to the bank or while eating a sandwich or showering (I do a lot of serious thinking in the shower - not so much while eating sandwiches, really, but you get my point ) I'll remember what you said. I'll think about what you've suggested or informed me of or an email you sent and reconsider my reaction. I do. I really, really do. Hell, I still hear suggestions LFS made to me when we were 16, about how I might look at a situation, that inform positive actions I make to this day. I listen to music I may not have liked 20 years ago to see if I do now (and often times, oddly enough, I find that maybe I didn't have the emotional or intellectual depth to have enjoyed it before but do now). I try foods I didn't like before to see if my tastes have changed. And in the same way, I will mull over your advice, your critiques, your voiced experiences and reconsider them anew all the time. I become a better, happier, more well rounded person for it, and so I always will. As long as I call you friend, your opinions and thoughts matter deeply to me.
So please, just because you don't get the instant agreement during a conversation, doesn't mean you haven't effected change. You don't expect instant approval or success on everything of importance in your life, so try to apply the same amount of patience here. I will do my very best to do the same for you because seriously, you don't have to tell me... I know I've been the SUCK about that. And to illustrate my point, rethinking things I've said to YOU, is what lead me to realize that I need to cut you all some slack.
As long as we are friends, I will never, ever, EVER give up on you. Please don't give up on me.
I'm sorry I piss you off. Thanks for sticking around and trying to help. I genuinely, truly, madly, deeply appreciate it. Every word.
Love,
Sunny
You must surely believe, by now, that I am the hardest person to help... like... ever. You'd probably like to elevate me sometimes, without having to dip into your finances (because let's face it, it's not easy for me to pay money back and who the hell has extra money lying around anyhow), and find that words just never seem to be enough. Why? Because I've probably already hit upon the suggestion you are about to put forth during one of my now-legendary over-thinking sessions, and will only infuriate you by having a perfectly rational reason / answer as to why that idea won't or might not work.
I don't blame you at all for not even asserting an idea when you have them. I'd be furious, too. Really! I would! This is the main reason why, despite countless suggestions that I do so, I could never be a therapist.
The thing is, and I really want you all to understand this with complete and utter clarity... I do listen. I may have a response and one that suggests your idea won't work. So what? I will still listen to you. And sometimes, when we talk things out, I hear something new, hit on something different because you think just differently enough from me to have worded your thought in such a way that presents things in a whole new light. I may also not always get, right away, where you were headed because I'm scared A LOT lately and it's hard to hear over the din of terror on my head. The "whatamIgonnado?!?!?!?" that plays on an endless loop in my over-crowded brain.
But late at night, or driving to the bank or while eating a sandwich or showering (I do a lot of serious thinking in the shower - not so much while eating sandwiches, really, but you get my point ) I'll remember what you said. I'll think about what you've suggested or informed me of or an email you sent and reconsider my reaction. I do. I really, really do. Hell, I still hear suggestions LFS made to me when we were 16, about how I might look at a situation, that inform positive actions I make to this day. I listen to music I may not have liked 20 years ago to see if I do now (and often times, oddly enough, I find that maybe I didn't have the emotional or intellectual depth to have enjoyed it before but do now). I try foods I didn't like before to see if my tastes have changed. And in the same way, I will mull over your advice, your critiques, your voiced experiences and reconsider them anew all the time. I become a better, happier, more well rounded person for it, and so I always will. As long as I call you friend, your opinions and thoughts matter deeply to me.
So please, just because you don't get the instant agreement during a conversation, doesn't mean you haven't effected change. You don't expect instant approval or success on everything of importance in your life, so try to apply the same amount of patience here. I will do my very best to do the same for you because seriously, you don't have to tell me... I know I've been the SUCK about that. And to illustrate my point, rethinking things I've said to YOU, is what lead me to realize that I need to cut you all some slack.
As long as we are friends, I will never, ever, EVER give up on you. Please don't give up on me.
I'm sorry I piss you off. Thanks for sticking around and trying to help. I genuinely, truly, madly, deeply appreciate it. Every word.
Love,
Sunny
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
A Little Stressed Out
Lately I've been having a little trouble staying awake. That is when I'm not having trouble getting to sleep. I've also been having a little trouble expressing myself (hence my penchant for Twittering over emails and blogs these days). The other night, while having dinner with a friend, I had so much trouble stringing a cognitive sentence together I wanted to jab my fork into my head in frustration. She thought it was funny. I guess, when one is used to being zinged with my heat-seeking, cut-through-the-bullshit conversational style, it would be a little funny to watch me stammer through the most innocuous conversation. To me, however, inability to communicate properly is far more upsetting than it would be if I say, had pneumonia. Believe me, I've had pneumonia... I prefer it to being unable to get my fucking self across.
I got the idea that maybe I was suffering symptoms of an illness. Being fat, I immediately checked the symptoms of diabetes. Oddly enough, I don't suffer any of them, with the exception of extreme irritability and let's face it... I've got good reason to be a bit cranky of late. So I looked further. I thought, "I wonder what the symptoms of stress are." And there it was, in black and white, staring me in the face... virtually everything that is wrong with me these days.
Memory problems
Indecisiveness
Inability to concentrate
Trouble thinking clearly
Poor judgment
Seeing only the negative
Anxious or racing thoughts
Constant worrying
Loss of objectivity
Fearful anticipation
Moodiness
Agitation
Restlessness
Short temper
Irritability, impatience
Inability to relax
Feeling tense and “on edge”
Feeling overwhelmed
Sense of loneliness and isolation
Depression or general unhappiness
Headaches or backaches
Muscle tension and stiffness
Diarrhea or constipation
Nausea, dizziness
Insomnia
Chest pain, rapid heartbeat
Weight gain or loss
Skin breakouts (hives, eczema)
Loss of sex drive
Frequent colds
Eating more or less
Sleeping too much or too little
Isolating yourself from others
Procrastination, neglecting responsibilities
Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax
Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)
Teeth grinding or jaw clenching
Overdoing activities (e.g. exercising, shopping)
Overreacting to unexpected problems
Picking fights with others
I can tell you right now, that I can still see some positive. Some. Not much. And I don't think I've had a cold recently. That's about it. Everything else... EVERYTHING ELSE applies. Too bad the only cure is not being me.
We all deal with shit, we all deal with stress to some degree. I don't think I'm special or unique because I am in this place. I just don't have a way to undo it. That's frustrating. In fact, it's stressful.
I hope you're doing far better, feeling much happier, laughing and living and enjoying life. I'll get back there eventually. But please excuse me if, for now, I don't have a whole lot of sunshine to spread.
I got the idea that maybe I was suffering symptoms of an illness. Being fat, I immediately checked the symptoms of diabetes. Oddly enough, I don't suffer any of them, with the exception of extreme irritability and let's face it... I've got good reason to be a bit cranky of late. So I looked further. I thought, "I wonder what the symptoms of stress are." And there it was, in black and white, staring me in the face... virtually everything that is wrong with me these days.
Memory problems
Indecisiveness
Inability to concentrate
Trouble thinking clearly
Poor judgment
Seeing only the negative
Anxious or racing thoughts
Constant worrying
Loss of objectivity
Fearful anticipation
Moodiness
Agitation
Restlessness
Short temper
Irritability, impatience
Inability to relax
Feeling tense and “on edge”
Feeling overwhelmed
Sense of loneliness and isolation
Depression or general unhappiness
Headaches or backaches
Muscle tension and stiffness
Diarrhea or constipation
Nausea, dizziness
Insomnia
Chest pain, rapid heartbeat
Weight gain or loss
Skin breakouts (hives, eczema)
Loss of sex drive
Frequent colds
Eating more or less
Sleeping too much or too little
Isolating yourself from others
Procrastination, neglecting responsibilities
Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax
Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)
Teeth grinding or jaw clenching
Overdoing activities (e.g. exercising, shopping)
Overreacting to unexpected problems
Picking fights with others
I can tell you right now, that I can still see some positive. Some. Not much. And I don't think I've had a cold recently. That's about it. Everything else... EVERYTHING ELSE applies. Too bad the only cure is not being me.
We all deal with shit, we all deal with stress to some degree. I don't think I'm special or unique because I am in this place. I just don't have a way to undo it. That's frustrating. In fact, it's stressful.
I hope you're doing far better, feeling much happier, laughing and living and enjoying life. I'll get back there eventually. But please excuse me if, for now, I don't have a whole lot of sunshine to spread.
Monday, March 24, 2008
A letter to Sunny
Dear Sunny,
I know it seems, sometimes, like there will be no end to the insane amount of struggling. You search endlessly for the key to how to undo the cycle of craziness and every time it seems you've done everything you were told to do, everything everyone said you should do, you seem only to get into a more ludicrously painful predicament. I see how hard you try and wish there was something I could tell you, some words of comfort, some wisdom to impart, but I am at a loss.
It would be easy to feed you some tired cliche' like, "This, too, shall pass" or "It'll get better, you'll see", but you already know those things. You're a smart cookie. You get that it cannot go on like this indefinitely, and probably won't. I also know it won't help to remind you that you're not alone. I know that it pisses you off when people expect a guilt trip to keep you from worrying about real shit going down in your life. Especially because it implies that you don't give a shit about anything but your own problems and anyone who knows you knows that's totally untrue of you.
I can certainly see why you're scared right now. Two years of feeling lost, career wise, is pretty scary. Just when it seems like you have it figured out, some new catastrophe sweeps in like a hurricane, and undoes all your work. And at times it must feel like you're going to lose everything. I wish you had someone "on the inside" there to help you. Someone who could give you a reassuringly tender hug or hold your hand when you feel like you're falling a bit too fast. But wishing won't make it so. So you have to stay strong. You have to keep going. I know you're tired and sometimes think it would be easier if you could just sleep through the whole mess. But that only works when someone else is doing the work and they are not. Even the agencies and institutions whose employees are paid with your taxes and monthly fees are disinterested in doing anything to help you. So you are going to have to help yourself, whether you like it or not.
You can do it, Sunny. You can turn all of this around and live your life without all this fear and worry. The key is there. It's probably right under your nose. Breathe deeply, quiet your fears and maybe you'll see it... glistening in the sunlight... ready to unlock the door to your happiness.
Stay strong! I love you!
Sunny
I know it seems, sometimes, like there will be no end to the insane amount of struggling. You search endlessly for the key to how to undo the cycle of craziness and every time it seems you've done everything you were told to do, everything everyone said you should do, you seem only to get into a more ludicrously painful predicament. I see how hard you try and wish there was something I could tell you, some words of comfort, some wisdom to impart, but I am at a loss.
It would be easy to feed you some tired cliche' like, "This, too, shall pass" or "It'll get better, you'll see", but you already know those things. You're a smart cookie. You get that it cannot go on like this indefinitely, and probably won't. I also know it won't help to remind you that you're not alone. I know that it pisses you off when people expect a guilt trip to keep you from worrying about real shit going down in your life. Especially because it implies that you don't give a shit about anything but your own problems and anyone who knows you knows that's totally untrue of you.
I can certainly see why you're scared right now. Two years of feeling lost, career wise, is pretty scary. Just when it seems like you have it figured out, some new catastrophe sweeps in like a hurricane, and undoes all your work. And at times it must feel like you're going to lose everything. I wish you had someone "on the inside" there to help you. Someone who could give you a reassuringly tender hug or hold your hand when you feel like you're falling a bit too fast. But wishing won't make it so. So you have to stay strong. You have to keep going. I know you're tired and sometimes think it would be easier if you could just sleep through the whole mess. But that only works when someone else is doing the work and they are not. Even the agencies and institutions whose employees are paid with your taxes and monthly fees are disinterested in doing anything to help you. So you are going to have to help yourself, whether you like it or not.
You can do it, Sunny. You can turn all of this around and live your life without all this fear and worry. The key is there. It's probably right under your nose. Breathe deeply, quiet your fears and maybe you'll see it... glistening in the sunlight... ready to unlock the door to your happiness.
Stay strong! I love you!
Sunny
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Letter to Girl At Trader Joes
Dear Butt floss flasher,
As CB and I were entering Trader Joes, one night last month, we not only noticed you flashing your crack at us, we literally couldn't avoid seeing it. This photo we stealthily snapped, depicts a more reasonable version of what you were flashing about. If we weren't in a hurry, I may have pulled you over to let you know how bad this really was. Then again, you didn't really seem to care. It was, after all, February, rainy, cold and one imagines you would have felt... well... a draft.
Now honey, I feel your pain. I, too, have a gigantic ass and have a difficult time finding jeans that cover the whole expanse. Also, like you, I tend to like some of my clothes to be a bit more on the snug side. I'm sure that when I have resentfully worn my low-rise jeans, I have given people an eyeful of my black granny underwear, but honestly... this was just gross. Your ass crack was visible through your see-thru thong.
Hold on a minute... some dinner just came up...
I blame your friends, crackshow. Surely one of them, by now, could have told you how bad this looks. Shame on them! Perhaps you should be shopping for better buddies, instead of parading your poopshoot at TJs.
Best of luck with the cold you surely must have caught that night from exposure, and I hope that should you decide to wear these pants again, that I am spared the sight.
Nausiated,
Sunny
As CB and I were entering Trader Joes, one night last month, we not only noticed you flashing your crack at us, we literally couldn't avoid seeing it. This photo we stealthily snapped, depicts a more reasonable version of what you were flashing about. If we weren't in a hurry, I may have pulled you over to let you know how bad this really was. Then again, you didn't really seem to care. It was, after all, February, rainy, cold and one imagines you would have felt... well... a draft.
Now honey, I feel your pain. I, too, have a gigantic ass and have a difficult time finding jeans that cover the whole expanse. Also, like you, I tend to like some of my clothes to be a bit more on the snug side. I'm sure that when I have resentfully worn my low-rise jeans, I have given people an eyeful of my black granny underwear, but honestly... this was just gross. Your ass crack was visible through your see-thru thong.
Hold on a minute... some dinner just came up...
I blame your friends, crackshow. Surely one of them, by now, could have told you how bad this looks. Shame on them! Perhaps you should be shopping for better buddies, instead of parading your poopshoot at TJs.
Best of luck with the cold you surely must have caught that night from exposure, and I hope that should you decide to wear these pants again, that I am spared the sight.
Nausiated,
Sunny
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
I Am A Pirate Now
Well, I think we all knew this day was coming. I have finally succumbed to piracy. Luckily, my marauding is safe within the confines of Disney-fied online game playing, or I think we all know that the bloodshed would be innumerable.
This is Rowena. She's my vision of me as a pirate. Yup... she's thin. Fact is, you do so much "running" in this game there's no way she wouldn't be if she were real. I could have chosen for her to be fat. I like that I had the option. But you don't really see a whole lot of them running around in game. I guess when it comes to role playing, one doesn't usually choose to be oneself in game.
She's got big tits. That was not my choice. You cannot make the chests smaller on the female pirates. Interesting, don't you think? I mean, if we're going to customize, shouldn't we be able to have a flat chested pirate lady?
Whatever... creating her was fun, and she's got a lot of boys who like helping her. That's fun. They may not be boys in real life. That's fun, too. Some of them might be 10 years old, and some of them might be 40. Also... as I've mentioned before... fun. It doesn't really matter to me.
Here's what I like... no blood. I know, I've gone soft but there it is. It's not a bloody game. I also enjoy the fact that players can't hurt one another really. I've never enjoyed PVP (player versus player) and I suspect that if it were really an option here, that I would like it a heck of a lot less.
Something that tickles my fancy... sailing. I love getting my little ships (a sloop, a light frigate and a galleon) out on the sea, shooting my canons and sinking ships. Sometimes I get sunk, and that's okay too. It's actually affordable to get your ship fixed, particularly if you're prolific about plundering.
I needed something to take my mind off of how stressful things had gotten. This has been perfect, and it keeps me from going to try to do this stuff in real life. Not plundering, mind you, but dressing up like a pirate. Because that was dangerously near to happening.
Whew... what a relief!
This is Rowena. She's my vision of me as a pirate. Yup... she's thin. Fact is, you do so much "running" in this game there's no way she wouldn't be if she were real. I could have chosen for her to be fat. I like that I had the option. But you don't really see a whole lot of them running around in game. I guess when it comes to role playing, one doesn't usually choose to be oneself in game.
She's got big tits. That was not my choice. You cannot make the chests smaller on the female pirates. Interesting, don't you think? I mean, if we're going to customize, shouldn't we be able to have a flat chested pirate lady?
Whatever... creating her was fun, and she's got a lot of boys who like helping her. That's fun. They may not be boys in real life. That's fun, too. Some of them might be 10 years old, and some of them might be 40. Also... as I've mentioned before... fun. It doesn't really matter to me.
Here's what I like... no blood. I know, I've gone soft but there it is. It's not a bloody game. I also enjoy the fact that players can't hurt one another really. I've never enjoyed PVP (player versus player) and I suspect that if it were really an option here, that I would like it a heck of a lot less.
Something that tickles my fancy... sailing. I love getting my little ships (a sloop, a light frigate and a galleon) out on the sea, shooting my canons and sinking ships. Sometimes I get sunk, and that's okay too. It's actually affordable to get your ship fixed, particularly if you're prolific about plundering.
I needed something to take my mind off of how stressful things had gotten. This has been perfect, and it keeps me from going to try to do this stuff in real life. Not plundering, mind you, but dressing up like a pirate. Because that was dangerously near to happening.
Whew... what a relief!
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