I See You

Like a lot of people, I have trackers on my blogs to see who is coming to visit, how often, where they linked off of, where they are… all kinds of information. I know when my MySpace friends are checking my blogs, when my close friends are, when someone landed on my page through a Google search or came through my Twitter. So I know that one particular household is checking my blogs every single day, sometimes twice a day or more and I'm not sure what to say to this person. So I guess all I can say is that I have not stopped being accessible via the phone. I have spoken to you whenever you called. If there's something you want to know about me, call because it looks as though you either don't think you can or you are looking for ammunition against me. Maybe there's some other reason you come here that I can't imagine, but considering how things have been lately, those are the only two I can come up with.

So if you're waiting for me to put out some shitty blog about you, don't. I won't. If you're hoping I'll say something about being open to talking, I always have been with the exception of a couple days I requested you leave me alone (and I wouldn't have asked for that if you had been open to talking to ME at the time). If you're looking for validation for treating me so badly, you won't find it here. There is no justification for it. Whatever your agenda is, this is kind of creeping me out, so I wish you would stop this. But I know I can't stop you so, I just thought you should know all of this so you can choose to spend your time more constructively.

Letter to 2008

Dear 2008,

I had hoped that by asking nicely enough, you would be kind and oblige me with a good year, thus mending our torn relationship and sending us on the road to peace.  But nooooooo.  You had to have everything your way, didn't you?  You've managed to hit me in virtually every sore spot imaginable, 2008.  I'm at a loss as to understand how I am still standing after such an onslaught but, HA!  IN YOUR FACE!  I am!  

Come on now, let it go.  Whatever grudge you've got against me, just let it the hell go already, because I'm not going to give up.  You're going to have to pray a bus hits me and kills me, because you're not taking me down.  Not ever. So enough money bullshit, enough death and illness, enough loss, enough struggle, enough, enough, ENOUGH!

Truly,

Sunny

They Say It's Wonderful

Not long after my last post, I reconnected with someone I've been attracted to for about nine years. At the time I initially found myself attracted to him, I had no idea he was someone I'd known when I was a teenager, and he'd tormented me regularly at that time (which I kind of find charming now that he's clearly not the meany I figured him to be). We didn't recognize one another as older people. I guess that's a good thing. It afforded us the shock and surprise necessary for a long overdo apology from him and a pathway to friendship.

So here we are, nine years later, 45 days into the official beginning of the romantic relationship that sprang from our most recent reconnection (I only know that because I have a snazzy counter for us on my MySpace) and I am starting to wonder... is it me or shouldn't this be the fun part?

In all fairness, the less-than-funness starts with the fact that we are on opposite coasts (he in North Carolina, I in California). Once he came out and visited, and we knew it wasn't our imagination that we were in love with each other, it just got harder for us to be apart. But where we once communicated easily, now we seem to barely be able to understand one another and struggle regularly.

I keep thinking, "Shit, this should be the time when we're happy, when everything's great, not the time for endless negotiations of whose baggage is more heavy and needs to be carried by both of us, as a couple. We shouldn't be arguing over where to be together, but just be happy that we found someone we want to be with." But it's just not that easy and the reason I wonder if it's me, is because I find myself unable to deal with the strife. I find myself wanting to hide away, cut myself off from more of it, even if it means losing someone I truly love.

See, I'm not prepared to deal with the fact that there are so many girls out there who are unable to be respectful of a relationship. I'm lacking the capacity to understand why I tell someone nothing but the truth and am still not trusted. I don't seem to be able to grasp the concept of why asking questions equates accusations. And I get the idea that maybe it's because I've been really choosy (with one glaring exception) of who I get this close to and haven't had the requisite practice. Maybe I just don't get how relationships work. Maybe they're supposed to be chock-o-block with drama, endless arguments about indiscreet flirtations from others and whose feelings are more important than the others' at any given time.

Maybe it's just that we're not right for one another. But I don't want to think that and even less believe it. I just think that alot of painful experiences have led us to this dischord. Both of us want so badly to overcome it, but we can't seem to approach it from the same direction. One wants resolution the other wants to win at all costs and at the end of the day we want to love all the stuff about each other that made us fall in the first place and be able to casually ignore the rest so that we can just have peace. It just doesn't work that way, I guess.

All I can say is that we're not bad people. We're not mean people. We want to work on it and I think that's a good thing... for now. We love each other. We want each other. I just hope that's enough to overcome all this bullshit. Hope and pray, I do.

"They say that falling in love is wonderful It's wonderful, so they say.
And with a moon up above it's wonderful It's wonderful, so they tell me.
I can't recall who said it
I know I never read it
I only know that falling in love is grand
And the thing that's known as romance
Is wonderful in every way... So they say "

I Will Survive?

I certainly hope I'll survive. It doesn't feel like I will. Having a lot of confidence in myself and my abilities does me no good when nobody will call me for an interview; when I apply for countless positions, for which I am ridiculously and perfectly qualified, and my phone doesn't ring. My confidence that finding work, with my level of skill and experience has proved to be... well... pointless, in the face of the current situation.

I am filled with despair. Every day. Where once I enjoyed taking responsibility for my life, I find myself wishing to intrench my head in the sand or find a more permanent escape from my inability to help myself. But I am still intellectually aware enough to remind myself that things can get better. They usually do eventually, even if for a little while. I just happen to fear that this time, I am wrong about that. It feels that way all the time, and the way things have been going (particularly with the EDD and State of California), I am right to worry.

I'm trying, friends. I just don't know how much longer I can hold on.

Aaaah Clint

drifter
Originally uploaded by Sunny-bunny

Once upon a time, I wasn't a big fan of the Clint Eastwood westerns. Perhaps it was because I didn't really understand them when I was younger and mistakenly preferred more sensitive types in my late teens and early twenties. Whatever the case, I sure as hell didn't see what everyone else was all keyed up about when it came to these films (although admittedly, always appreciated the rich and interesting cinematography).

So not long ago, realizing how my opinions and tastes and preferences have changed over the years, I decided to put High Plains Drifter in my Netflix queue and see what all the fuss was about.

I'm not going to tell you that on some level I wasn't just a bit alarmed at how Eastwood's character "the stranger" managed to kill off three men and rape a woman inside of the first fifteen minutes of the film. And I'm not even going to get into the freakish absurdity that the woman he raped (a firecracker named Callie) alternately enjoyed being raped and tried to kill him for it. I get the subtext they were going for in a big way. I don't agree on principle, but I get it.

I love the idea of a mysterious man who doesn't have to explain himself to anyone. Who takes what he wants, does what he wishes, and shows no remorse or hesistation about either. Again, I love the idea. But if I ran across such a man in real life, I would find him repugnant, no matter how attractive. God knows, I've run across plenty of assholes close enough to know. So I think it's great that the women in the film aren't just taken by him. They hate him for it. Amazing.

There's a lot of funny shit in this movie, too. I laughed out loud. And although I used to think Clint was a bit grizzly in this era of his career, if I were going to see these films in the theater now... he would be to me, what Christian Bale and Brad Pitt are to others.

I am officially converted... time to go update my Netflix queue, fix some drinks, light some candles and have some quiet time with Clint so I can love him and hate him without all the bullshit of real life. Turns out I have a fantasy life after all.

Note to the IRS

Dear IRS,

I know you and I have not been on good terms in the past. We've disagreed and hurt one another. But hopefully you and I have overcome our differences and patched up the gaping holes in our once taciturn relationship.

That said, I would like to ask you to please, please, please send my refund and stimulus check now. Your "Where's My Refund" site doesn't seem to recognize that I ever even sent my return. That worries me... a lot. I promise, I sent in my return on the 15th.

So please... can I have my money? I would super duper appreciate it.

Your pal,
Sunny

Letter to my Friends

Dear Friends,

You must surely believe, by now, that I am the hardest person to help... like... ever. You'd probably like to elevate me sometimes, without having to dip into your finances (because let's face it, it's not easy for me to pay money back and who the hell has extra money lying around anyhow), and find that words just never seem to be enough. Why? Because I've probably already hit upon the suggestion you are about to put forth during one of my now-legendary over-thinking sessions, and will only infuriate you by having a perfectly rational reason / answer as to why that idea won't or might not work.

I don't blame you at all for not even asserting an idea when you have them. I'd be furious, too. Really! I would! This is the main reason why, despite countless suggestions that I do so, I could never be a therapist.

The thing is, and I really want you all to understand this with complete and utter clarity... I do listen. I may have a response and one that suggests your idea won't work. So what? I will still listen to you. And sometimes, when we talk things out, I hear something new, hit on something different because you think just differently enough from me to have worded your thought in such a way that presents things in a whole new light. I may also not always get, right away, where you were headed because I'm scared A LOT lately and it's hard to hear over the din of terror on my head. The "whatamIgonnado?!?!?!?" that plays on an endless loop in my over-crowded brain.

But late at night, or driving to the bank or while eating a sandwich or showering (I do a lot of serious thinking in the shower - not so much while eating sandwiches, really, but you get my point ) I'll remember what you said. I'll think about what you've suggested or informed me of or an email you sent and reconsider my reaction. I do. I really, really do. Hell, I still hear suggestions LFS made to me when we were 16, about how I might look at a situation, that inform positive actions I make to this day. I listen to music I may not have liked 20 years ago to see if I do now (and often times, oddly enough, I find that maybe I didn't have the emotional or intellectual depth to have enjoyed it before but do now). I try foods I didn't like before to see if my tastes have changed. And in the same way, I will mull over your advice, your critiques, your voiced experiences and reconsider them anew all the time. I become a better, happier, more well rounded person for it, and so I always will. As long as I call you friend, your opinions and thoughts matter deeply to me.

So please, just because you don't get the instant agreement during a conversation, doesn't mean you haven't effected change. You don't expect instant approval or success on everything of importance in your life, so try to apply the same amount of patience here. I will do my very best to do the same for you because seriously, you don't have to tell me... I know I've been the SUCK about that. And to illustrate my point, rethinking things I've said to YOU, is what lead me to realize that I need to cut you all some slack.

As long as we are friends, I will never, ever, EVER give up on you. Please don't give up on me.

I'm sorry I piss you off. Thanks for sticking around and trying to help. I genuinely, truly, madly, deeply appreciate it. Every word.


Love,

Sunny