Overthinkin'

I'm constantly accused of over thinking. I'm sure if you've known me for any length of time you've heard me bitch about this before. But I'm here to remind those of you who think there's something deliberate to the level of detail over which I consider any given subject, that it's not intentional, it's not something I'm doing TO YOU. It's how my mind works. Please... PLEASE, consider NOT chiding me because it makes you uncomfortable or makes you think I'm trying to manipulate you into thinking about things you don't want to think too hard about. Whatever your issue is with how my mind processes information is not something I have any control over. When you bitch at me about something as fundamental as my mind, it kinda suggests you don't really like me. Worse, is intimates that you'd like me better if I was stupid or dull or worse yet... easier to slip things past. I assure you, that I too have wished my mind would slow down and not notice every tiny detail of every little thing. Ignorance really is bliss sometimes. So now you know why I'm oft so grumpy.

And while we're at it... let's get over this other thing, too; my lack of economy with words.

Yes, I know there's probably a quicker way to say what I have to say. I actually do TRY to give people the short version of whatever it is I have to say. And I tell you now, I admire those of you who get a lot across with an extreme economy of words. But I also consider myself in the process of conversation and communication and frankly, I enjoy communicating the way I do. I don't tell you how to talk or think because if you're my friend then I must like it. If I need more from you I'll ask. If I need less from you, I don't ask. Consider affording me the same courtesy, why don't you?

End rant.

I Made It!!!!!!

Well folks, I made it to 2010. Nobody could be more shocked than me, considering how many experiences I’ve had in the last decade that should have killed me. Breast Cancer scare, falling down a flight of stairs and smacking my head on a wall AND a wood plank when I landed, a slip and fall in a Lucky store, driving through a snow storm on the Grapevine without being able to see more than a foot in front of my window (on the night I moved here), a dismal disaster of a relationship with Ronn that put me in the hospital… I know there were more, too. Those are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head!

I can’t say it’s all been fraught with danger. There were some very good times in the last ten years. I’ve fulfilled life-long dreams, and came reasonably close to fulfilling the two biggest (to be a wife and a mother). I did a lot of learning and growing, made some outstanding friends, saw a lot of concerts, performed at a club, did a great job in a show… and yet the last four years have been inundated with so much loss and stress, that it’s been hard to remember the good times.

As I head into 2010, I’m doing everything I can to maintain a good attitude about the decade ahead… my forties. It is my absolute intention to leave all the shit behind me and let it be my past, so I can live in the present and create a happy, content, successful, loving, comfortable and fun future.

So ronery...

The only way I could laugh about feeling lonely today is to think of the scene in Team America where Kim Jong-il is singing about his loneliness (which conversely made me laugh so hard I practically fell out of my seat).

At any rate... I'm so ronery, a rittle ronery, poor rittle me.

I'm So Ronery
So ronery
So ronery and sadry arone
There's no one
Just me onry
Sitting on my rittle throne
I work rearry hard and make up great prans
But nobody ristens, no one understands
Seems like no one takes me serirousry
And so I'm ronery
A rittle ronery
Poor rittle me

There's nobody I can rerate to
Feel rike a bird in a cage
It's kinda sihry
But not rearry
Because it's fihring my body with rage

I'm the smartest most crever most physicarry fit
But nobody else seems to rearize it
When I change the world maybe they'll notice me
But until then I'rr just be ronery
Rittle ronery, poor rittle me

I'm so ronery

A Day of Achey Breaky

Today I decided to let Fountains of Wayne keep me company while sorting through the seemingly never-ending mountain of Holiday purchase orders. I have a lot of profoundly happy memories associated with FOW. It doesn't hurt that their songs are largely bouncy, funny, soothing and pleasant as it makes them easy to place into the soundtrack of practically anything.

Sadly, thanks to another SUPRISE, YOU'RE NOT DONE MOURNING box from San Jose, I am in a place of feeling loss, so as I scroll through my options of what to listen to on my iPod, I keep stumbling upon music connected to disappointment and loss. So, as fun as FOW is (and honey, they are!), today they're reminding me of a friend that found them through me... a friend that I lost not long after.

Donaco and I used to be inseperable. When we were friends, nary a day went by that we didn't call one another at least twice and more often than not one of us made the other laugh. We vacationed together, we dined together, we collaborated, we consoled one another, we put on a show together then something snapped. To this day I don't know what it was. Maybe it was just... we were heading in different directions. Maybe it was that one of us was hurting, pissing off or generally vexing the other all along and it took five years to get up the gumption to say so (even if it was at the worst possible moment). But what once was a supportive, uplifting, mutually beneficial vibe became one of a cranky married couple. Neither one of us felt we were at fault. I suspect, it's still true today. It doesn't matter. Sometimes we say things to one another that can't get taken back, begin dynamics with someone that we can't change and it all has to come to an end.

As I listen to Mexican Wine, vivid memories of Donaco and I speeding home from one of our many adventures in Las Vegas are tripping through my mind. I miss that time of our friendship. I miss the time when we behaved like our friendship was something valuable and seemed never-ending. I try, as much as possible, to think of my lost friend fondly and always hope he's happy and well. I can only hope he does the same. Based on what began our end... I highly doubt it.

Guilty Pleasures

I'm a foodie. Ain't no secret there. More often than not I fantasize about blowing up every fast food franchise known to man and, like so much Harold Hill, ushering the masses back to a world of freshly prepared foods, bursting with deliciousness.

That said, like all foodies (and thanks to Anthony Bourdain having done admitted as much before me), we all have guilty pleasures that fly in the face of our persnickety need for culinary excellence. Today, I had a couple slices of one of mine...

Round Table Pizza's Hawaiian Pizza. I don't remember when I started liking this monstrosity, don't know why I would have even tried it (since the concept of pineapple and ham pizza still revolts me intellectually), but somehow it snuck it's way into my gaping yaw and became one of my favorite indulgences.

A liiiiiiiittle on the undercooked side today, but whatever. It still hit the spot.

What's culinary guilty pleasure?

Coming back into focus

It's been a while since I've written, I know. To say that I've had bigger fish to fry would be an understatement. Mourning the loss of a beloved Aunt, my mother and any semblance of hope I once had that my family might regain its' composure was rough. Dealing with some rather upsetting health issues didn't help much. Moving on past a short but gravely disappointing romance and doing all those things while learning not one, but two new jobs (since my new job changed into something far more daunting than the first), has certainly pulled a bit of focus. Also, to be frank, I didn't want the dark cloud of sadness and resentment and anger to hover so ominously any more. You and I, my friends and readers, have more interesting things to discuss than mean people.

So, I'm not gone, not lost and am doing some writing. Mostly, that writing energy is being spent on a book I have wanted to write for over a decade. I have had a lot of support about doing it so, I certainly don't want that support to be wasted.

Thank you, to the folks who have written and asked what's going on. It's always good to hear from you! In many respects I am better than I have been for three years. It is, however, going to take some time to repair the damage those years did to my life.

Expect more here, soon.

Back in Lawyerland Again

I used to work with attorneys, so it's not as though I am not used to legal business. But now that I'm finding myself dealing with them for personal reasons, it's a whole different ballgame. There are times when you just have to be glad that some lawyers are ruthless. Love 'em or hate 'em, sometimes, you need 'em and need 'em I do.

I never imagined, in my wildest dreams that I would need legal representation for the reason I do now. It's sad, it's disgusting but it's unfortunately reality. I have been bullied, I have been abused and now I am being robbed. Rolling over is not an option. Talking didn't help, so what else would be next? I will exhaust every reasonable and legal avenue possible before I give up that which is being taken from me.

Who knows? I may not have a case. They may have done such a good job of rationalizing their actions, such a good job of manipulating their situation, that I may get nothing. Then again, I may (considering the obvious duplicitous dealings of those involved, who stood to gain so much from those dealings). All I can say is, I wish I didn't have to do any of this. But my hand has been forced and so it's off to Lawyerland I go. Thank God my new job comes with a low-cost legal counsel benefit! Since I'm being screwed out of so much, I'm going to need every break I can get!

I'm fortunate to have such good friends, who love and support me and have encouraged me to fight for what is mine. I would have done it either way, but they give me the strength I need for a battle I never wanted, and never expected to have to fight.