Letter to my Friends

Dear Friends,

You must surely believe, by now, that I am the hardest person to help... like... ever. You'd probably like to elevate me sometimes, without having to dip into your finances (because let's face it, it's not easy for me to pay money back and who the hell has extra money lying around anyhow), and find that words just never seem to be enough. Why? Because I've probably already hit upon the suggestion you are about to put forth during one of my now-legendary over-thinking sessions, and will only infuriate you by having a perfectly rational reason / answer as to why that idea won't or might not work.

I don't blame you at all for not even asserting an idea when you have them. I'd be furious, too. Really! I would! This is the main reason why, despite countless suggestions that I do so, I could never be a therapist.

The thing is, and I really want you all to understand this with complete and utter clarity... I do listen. I may have a response and one that suggests your idea won't work. So what? I will still listen to you. And sometimes, when we talk things out, I hear something new, hit on something different because you think just differently enough from me to have worded your thought in such a way that presents things in a whole new light. I may also not always get, right away, where you were headed because I'm scared A LOT lately and it's hard to hear over the din of terror on my head. The "whatamIgonnado?!?!?!?" that plays on an endless loop in my over-crowded brain.

But late at night, or driving to the bank or while eating a sandwich or showering (I do a lot of serious thinking in the shower - not so much while eating sandwiches, really, but you get my point ) I'll remember what you said. I'll think about what you've suggested or informed me of or an email you sent and reconsider my reaction. I do. I really, really do. Hell, I still hear suggestions LFS made to me when we were 16, about how I might look at a situation, that inform positive actions I make to this day. I listen to music I may not have liked 20 years ago to see if I do now (and often times, oddly enough, I find that maybe I didn't have the emotional or intellectual depth to have enjoyed it before but do now). I try foods I didn't like before to see if my tastes have changed. And in the same way, I will mull over your advice, your critiques, your voiced experiences and reconsider them anew all the time. I become a better, happier, more well rounded person for it, and so I always will. As long as I call you friend, your opinions and thoughts matter deeply to me.

So please, just because you don't get the instant agreement during a conversation, doesn't mean you haven't effected change. You don't expect instant approval or success on everything of importance in your life, so try to apply the same amount of patience here. I will do my very best to do the same for you because seriously, you don't have to tell me... I know I've been the SUCK about that. And to illustrate my point, rethinking things I've said to YOU, is what lead me to realize that I need to cut you all some slack.

As long as we are friends, I will never, ever, EVER give up on you. Please don't give up on me.

I'm sorry I piss you off. Thanks for sticking around and trying to help. I genuinely, truly, madly, deeply appreciate it. Every word.


Love,

Sunny